Cristiano

CNN has an interesting article on monogamy:

Mate debate: Is monogamy realistic? - CNN.com

I have always been a serial monogamist - it is not something I have to work at or struggle with. I could not be in a relationship without monogamy. However, I have friends who feel much differently about it and often have sex with others - either secretly, or with full knowledge of their partner. How do you feel about monogamy?

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Ann Launay

I'm a monogamy girl. I've no doubts that it can sometimes be difficult in a long-term relationship, but any relationship worth having should be worth working for, in this aspect as well as others. My parents divorced ultimately due to my father's infidelity, which probably colors my view, but I couldn't be with someone who didn't have it in himself to be loyal to me...and it is a matter of loyalty for me, not just monogamy.

Also, I don't share well.

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Retro

The alternative to monogamy doesn't have to be infidelity or "swinging" of course. I have three friends who have been in a loving, sexual relationship for the past two years. They live in the same house, share the same (very large) bed, and appear to have similar affection for each other.

With regards open relationships, I entered into one a long time ago but it ended quickly because the situation was so insecure (not just from my perspective, I think). I've also seen a friend go into one and end up devastated when his (by then long-term) partner dumped him in favour of one of their sexual interests.

Maybe some of us aren't wired up to be exclusive to one individual for a lifetime. My monogamous relationships seem to last three/four years tops if I'm lucky. But the pattern of numerous exclusive relationships over long periods of time, instead of a single, lifelong relationship, is proving less destructive (emotionally) than I thought it would.

Mocksoup Graves

As a polyamorous individual in a quasi monogamous relationship, I think that monogamy works for some people, and it doesn't work for others. You love who you love, and that love can take on many different forms. I don't think someone should be forced into monogamy, much like I don't think someone should be forced into polyamory. But you need to be honest with each other with who YOU are.

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Richie Waves

I had this doctor once.. he had 3 wives, and each of them had 3 husbands!


wait no...that was star trek... carry on.. ._.

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Vertigo Paris

I am not sure I could say that I struggle with monogomy. What I can say is I miss having that third party involved.

Dnate is my first relationship in well over a decade that has been monogamous. I am inherently polyamorous, I don't have jealousy issues and have no problems sharing. For me, that is the ultimate act of love, to be able to share my loved ones, my life, with someone else outside of my partner(s).

I am able to function the same (with some limits of course) within a monogamous relationship, there are just times when I have to remind myself that certain rules apply and to be mindful of them.

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Vertigo Paris

I will also agree that poly/mono relationships are not for everyone and when it comes to relationships, that is probably one of the first things that needs to be figured out before someone gets hurt.

Colette Meiji

It always depends ...

Humps

I'm not a fan of monogamy .... it is far too dark. I prefer teak or maybe a nice limed oak.

Richie Waves

My thoughts exactly.. if she's into it she's into it.. if not just live miserably ever after.. you wouldn't be the first.

Serene S.

In my life, I've found that only monogamous relationships work for me. Especially now that I'm married.......I demand monogamy and so does he. After all, we made those promises to each other the day we were married.

To each his own, and as long as no one gets hurt, I guess polyamory can be fine for them. However, I have to admit that, truthfully, I have a difficult time understanding how a relationship can work that way. Even if the "main" couple are okay with it, who's to say that one of them won't meet someone else who isn't okay with it, even if they profess they are......at first. I've seen too many relationships ruined over issues like this. Sometimes the "main" partners weren't the ones who caused the ruination. Jealousy might not come into play with the two who are actually involved (for want of a better expression), but for one of the third parties which then interferes with the "main" relationship.

I'm rather territorial and really don't like to share. Plus, my husband would be deeply hurt if I were not monogamous as I would be in the reverse. A little fun just isn't worth ruining my family. We have children, so not only would one of us be heartbroken, but so would the kids. Nope, not a risk worth taking in my world.

ETA: To answer Cris's original question, I believe it is definitely realistic. Maybe just not realistic for all people. If that makes sense.

Ayumi

I'm such a crazy jealous bitch, that I couldnt survive in anything *but* a monogamous relationship without imploding :/

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Serene S.

I had to laugh at myself when I read this, Ayumi. I went back and read my post and then thought......yes, this is what it probably actually boils down to for me, too!.....

(well, and for my hubby)

Lo Jacobs

I've been struggling with this question for the past few months.

a) I found someone I am pretty sure I want to spend my life with.

b) I don't know if he's the last guy I ever want to have sex with.

c) He's not into polyamory. Neither am I, really.

So what, pray tell, do I do?

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Sarah Nerd

Honesty goes a long way and so does recognizing what your seeking because it's not always just about sex. In other words it should never be an alternative to fixing problems in an existing relationship. For the most part I've been monogamist. I have rules and limits I know not to cross (learned the hard way at times) but I also know the more honest and open I am to my husband and the more involved I make him, the more freedoms he allows me. It took years to reach the level of closeness and honesty we have and I won't do anything that may hurt that.

I really don't think it's sex that breaks up relationships when a partner cheats. It hurts but I think the split happens because of dishonesty sneakiness, and giving away emotions to someone else that should go to your partner.

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Arilynn

I've dated two guys at once - in nonexclusive relationships, obviously - twice, and it didn't last long. Inevitably, I would start making comparisons and want to spend more time with one guy than another. So I think I am naturally monogamous. But the idea of a lifelong commitment to one person seems daunting to me. I think it would be possible, but it would take a lot of work.

ETA: Good lord, someone else post so I'm not on the front page with this.

Lo Jacobs

Penis penis penis penis

Ayumi

4 penises is totally not monogamous.

Penis'? Penii?

Vertigo Paris

It's funny that you mention this. Dnate and I were talking about this on the way to fighter practice this evening and I used this exact scenario.

When an ex boyfriend cheated on me, I wasn't upset that he was having sex with someone else. It's that he lied to me about where he was going/doing.

If he had just been up front with me, I would have given my blessing.

To me, sex isn't the end all be all. I think of sex the same way as I think of giving someone a hug. It's fun, it makes you and them feel better and just brings a sense of closeness to the parties involved.

Sex != Love and never will for me.

An emotional and intellectual connection means so much more to me then the ability to perform in bed. It's just an added bonus. I would dump a great lover who is boring outside of bed faster then the other way around.

Aimee Weber

I prefer a mixture of open and monogamous relationship. You know ... where I get to be open but my partner is monogamous.

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Serene S.

It does take a lot of hard work, Arilynn, and even after you make the committment, it can still seem daunting sometimes. I think in my case, I didn't get married until I was 36 (I already had a 7 year old when I got married-not to her dad), so "sowing wild oats" was out of my system and I was more than ready to settle down and commit myself for the rest of my life.

I'm not necessarily advocating waiting that long to get married, because most people want to start families long before that time, but I'm glad it worked out that way for me. By the time I met my husband, I knew what I wanted and that I wanted to commit to just one person. Plus, being that he's from England and moved here for us to get married, we had to go through immigration hell before that could happen. Makes me much less inclined to easily give up what we fought so hard for.

Vertigo Paris

Relationships, mono or not, will always be daunting. Decisions you make will immediately affect the person(s) you are involved with.

It boils down to what one is comfortable with dealing with.

Pamela Galli

When a man or woman agrees to "forsake all others" for a beloved, that says something about the incalculable value one places on his/her beloved, doesn't it?

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Bard Jameson

The following may sound at first too clinical, though I don't mean it that way.

I think that any arrangement, from monogamy to various "poly's" to outright group marriage, can be "realistic". The one thing that must always be maintained, however, is each partner's choice, at all times, and at every juncture.

Atia and I are monogamous. Should I want tomorrow to be with someone else and still be with her, then if I do it on the sly I am "stealing her choice" - meaning she cannot choose to accept or reject the "new arrangement" I am creating without her knowledge. If I were to bring it to her and say this is what I want now, then she has the choice to say yes or no. If yes, we move ahead. If no, then I have my choice to stay with her monogamously or to leave her for another.

If she agrees, but later decides she doesn't like it, she can say to me that she wants to go back to being monogamous. I then have the choice of accepting her request or rejecting it, and then, if I reject her request, she has the choice to stay with me or go.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

While any such decision points and choices may create a lot of angst, as long as choices are clear and available to everyone involved, then at the very least a basic, bottom moral line has been drawn. It is only when we "steal" another's choice that we cross the line into immoral action.

All that said, truly uncomplicated, clear and wholly loving and non-jealous/envious sexual/romantic "poly" relationships are for super human beings, IMO. The stuff of fiction, especially futuristic fiction, when we are all psychologically "perfected". I don't happen to believe in that much-vaunted "perfection". Not only am I unsure that we can be "perfected", but I'm not altogether convinced that what we think of as perfection is, in fact, perfection.

For normal mortals, it just creates difficulties for no good reason I can see.

Further, as the years have progressed I have come to believe that intimacy is not achieved in 1-to-5 year chunks. I have come to believe that we are not supposed to "work" on our marriages. Our marriages are here to "work" on us - to teach us about ourselves and to help us grow.

You don't achieve that without years, decades, lifetimes, of facing who you are in the eyes of another, who after ten years or so, knows all your bullshit and then calls you on your bullshit for the next four decades.

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