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Old 01-12-2018, 02:57 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Is it discriminatory to refuse to date a trans woman?

Is it discriminatory to refuse to date a trans woman?

Well yes of course it is. There's no denying that when people think about whether or not they want to date other people they think about what other other people will think. So I'm afraid most men will say that they don't want to date transgender women without really considering all the other things there are to consider.
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Old 01-12-2018, 03:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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This is such a personal issue for most people. To me, the choice of dating partners was mostly an issue of being attracted to someone - physically and intellectually. That goes beyond their gender identity, IMO.

So really what they're asking is "does my gender transformation alienate you?".
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Old 01-12-2018, 03:34 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm sure lots of men even cis men can get to know trans women and become attracted. What happens next depends on a lot of things. Even if the knowledge that a woman is trans stops a man from acting on romantic feelings I don't think that's discrimination exactly.

eta well yes it is but... not like refusing to sell her a house or invite her to a party...
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Old 01-12-2018, 03:38 PM   #4 (permalink)
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What people find attractive is highly idiosyncratic, and there are many reasons to start a relationship. If we didn't discriminate among potential partners there would be no need for online dating sites. But we do, and such sites exist to screen out the candidates you aren't interested in.

To put it another way, gender status may be a protected class when it comes to work and government, but it isn't when it comes to private relationships.
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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If I don't want to date someone who has kids, am I discriminating against people with kids? I don't think so. I love people with kid. It is not a relationship I want to enter at this point in my life. We like what we like and a lot more goes into than just physical attraction, especially if you have been dating a while. I found comments and the tone of that article, in general, to be kind of unhealthy.
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Old 01-12-2018, 04:44 PM   #6 (permalink)
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All day everyday we are placed in discrimatory situations judge and are judged. For trans men and women it's just one more thing and life is hard.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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All day everyday we are placed in discrimatory situations judge and are judged. For trans men and women it's just one more thing and life is hard.
For trans men and women it's a purrrrrrddy fucking big "just one more thing".
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Another question: Is it discriminatory if you choose to only date trans women?
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by DanielRavenNest View Post
What people find attractive is highly idiosyncratic, and there are many reasons to start a relationship. If we didn't discriminate among potential partners there would be no need for online dating sites. But we do, and such sites exist to screen out the candidates you aren't interested in.

To put it another way, gender status may be a protected class when it comes to work and government, but it isn't when it comes to private relationships.
Bingo, refusing to date anyone (assuming you are both in the dating pool) is, by definition, discrimination. Just because something is discrimination does not make it automatically bad.

Take it out of the personal though. If I were to choose chocolate cake after dinner would I be discriminating against pie? Yes, but it does not imply a moral judgement. That, as in dating, is a matter of your preferences. Maybe it says something about our society that we are so shallow, maybe it does not.

Being a biromantic asexual being attracted to one gender and/or physical sex just does not parse for me so I am probably not the best person to ask about romantic preferences though.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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If I don't want to date someone who has kids, am I discriminating against people with kids? I don't think so.
My feeling is, yes, but I don't care.

It's the same way that a person saying that they merely "prefer" only whites is actually racist, even if they don't have a specific animus toward people of color. Yes, it's discriminating, yes, it's racist or some other phobic. In the realm of dating, legal rules don't apply.

In the end, It's just another way to screen out people you don't want. Yes, it makes dating harder for affected groups. Black people and black women especially have it hard on online dating sites, if they are open to all races. You'll find that you get ignored a lot, or that the person who seems interesting is only looking for whites or Asians because it's "just their preference." I'm thankful for that little line; it tells me before initiating contact that I need to move on. It's disappointing sometimes, though, after a well-written profile.

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We like what we like and a lot more goes into than just physical attraction, especially if you have been dating a while.
Yep.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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For trans men and women it's a purrrrrrddy fucking big "just one more thing".
I don't disagree with you Darnk life isn't fair and discrimination goes on trans or not. For example I have been overweight all of my life and surely discrimination happened when nobody asked me to dance. Discrimination is a part of life and that's the bottom line regardless of our separate differences.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
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It is a little silly tho that in life we'd be all pitchforks and tar if this was about anything else.

That and if you say you're attracted to men and women and then won't date trans men and women you are effectively saying that they are not men or women in your actions.

Yet as stated by Daniel, and all that jazz, you can't force attraction nor should people be doing so.

it's really a no win situation.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
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The biggest question is ..
why would a trans woman want to date someone who doesn't want to date them?
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
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The biggest question is ..
why would a trans woman want to date someone who doesn't want to date them?
Sex and Lub ain't a logical beast, that's for sure.
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Old 01-12-2018, 05:58 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Sex and Lub ain't a logical beast, that's for sure.
well true then there's that.
Sad yes, but I do think that anyone is better off not dating someone who discounts (or chooses) them as a romantic partner based on superficial criteria.
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Old 01-12-2018, 06:15 PM   #16 (permalink)
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One nice thing about love is that, usually the minute after you say "I don't think I would want to date "X", In walks "X" and sweeps you off your feet.
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Old 01-12-2018, 06:32 PM   #17 (permalink)
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One nice thing about love is that, usually the minute after you say "I don't think I would want to date "X", In walks "X" and sweeps you off your feet.
But not if X is a republican.
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Old 01-12-2018, 06:32 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Old 01-12-2018, 06:46 PM   #19 (permalink)
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well true then there's that.
Sad yes, but I do think that anyone is better off not dating someone who discounts (or chooses) them as a romantic partner based on superficial criteria.
Your statement isn't mutually exclusive with the claim that it is bigoted to not want to date someone for a bad reason.

I firmly believe you have the right to romantically reject anyone for any reason and no reason. BUT, some reasons you might give can still say unfavorable things about you.

If someone lost interest in their significant other upon finding out that they had a more stereotypically jewish father, I'd not want to force them to stay; but I can't say I'd not judge them for it.

It seems to be pretty common for women to not want to date men who were molested as children. I'd never advocate forcing one such woman to date a rehabilitated victim, but if one of my friends split with her husband after finding this out, I'd lose a lot of respect for her.

Let's say for the sake of discussion, you meet someone like this: She has the face of an angel from heaven sent, the body of a goddess, gets along with you perfectly, has a lot in common with you, and just in general has everything you want in a woman. The only issue is that you find out her vagina was the product of a master surgeon. Would learning that immediately kill your attraction?

In all of these cases, I'd stay out of it, but you just hurt yourself.
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Old 01-12-2018, 07:23 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Your statement isn't mutually exclusive with the claim that it is bigoted to not want to date someone for a bad reason.

I firmly believe you have the right to romantically reject anyone for any reason and no reason. BUT, some reasons you might give can still say unfavorable things about you.

If someone lost interest in their significant other upon finding out that they had a more stereotypically jewish father, I'd not want to force them to stay; but I can't say I'd not judge them for it.

It seems to be pretty common for women to not want to date men who were molested as children. I'd never advocate forcing one such woman to date a rehabilitated victim, but if one of my friends split with her husband after finding this out, I'd lose a lot of respect for her.

Let's say for the sake of discussion, you meet someone like this: She has the face of an angel from heaven sent, the body of a goddess, gets along with you perfectly, has a lot in common with you, and just in general has everything you want in a woman. The only issue is that you find out her vagina was the product of a master surgeon. Would learning that immediately kill your attraction?

In all of these cases, I'd stay out of it, but you just hurt yourself.
People date or don't date ppl for superficial reasons all the time..
hell, ppl marry or don't marry ppl for superficial reasons all the time.

Money, looks, prospects, security, race (yup that is a biggie for a lot of ppl), weight, hair colour, eye colour.. fashion sense, hair length, sound of their voice, accent, country of origin blah blah fishpaste ...

Most men won't date other men.. Many women won't date other women.. etc etc etc.

Most of us, at one time or another, have engaged with someone purely for superficial reasons.

Should we judge other ppl? Well if we want to.. yes, otherwise no.

But I still think that finding out that someone IS dating you for a superficial reason is worse than someone NOT dating you for a superficial reason.
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Old 01-12-2018, 07:33 PM   #21 (permalink)
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But I still think that finding out that someone IS dating you for a superficial reason is worse than someone NOT dating you for a superficial reason.
I absolutely agree with you here.

And who's to say which reasons are superficial? I just selected a few especially extreme examples in my post.
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Old 01-12-2018, 07:34 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Let's say for the sake of discussion, you meet someone like this: She has the face of an angel from heaven sent, the body of a goddess, gets along with you perfectly, has a lot in common with you, and just in general has everything you want in a woman. The only issue is that you find out her vagina was the product of a master surgeon. Would learning that immediately kill your attraction?

In all of these cases, I'd stay out of it, but you just hurt yourself.
What if the person wanted children.. then it would not be that superficial.

On the surgeon thing.. I have known men who have gone off women when they found out that their boobs were fake.. or that they had had cosmetic surgery of some kind.

Also
If the trans person is upfront when attraction strikes.. then the problem sorts itself sooner rather than later. The finding out later about a lot of things is, for me a problem.
Of course not for lets say being molested as a child.. that is something that one can only talk about when there is trust between you..
But there is knowledge of some facts that need to precede a relationship for a relationship to actually work.

Like .. lets say this amazing person you have been dating for a while.. and you find out they killed someone and are on the run..
or that they have HIV... or that they are your long lost biological sibling.. and they knew but you didn't.. or they have terminal cancer and have only a year or so to live...

Honesty is a good thing even if it means that you don't get to have the object of your affection..
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Old 01-12-2018, 08:14 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Old 01-12-2018, 08:16 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I don't disagree with you Darnk life isn't fair and discrimination goes on trans or not. For example I have been overweight all of my life and surely discrimination happened when nobody asked me to dance. Discrimination is a part of life and that's the bottom line regardless of our separate differences.
Dating pretty much is in an of itself a system of discrimination. Most of us already have it in our heads, when we start dating, what attributes make up the "ideal" mate. As some of us go on, those ideals may change, but dating is still a process of discrimination to find the one most suited to our desires.
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Old 01-12-2018, 08:19 PM   #25 (permalink)
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No one has a right to be someone's date. No one is owed a fair and equitable distribution of moments of intimacy. All we can ask is that we be rebuffed with kindness rather than cruelty.
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