Cindy Claveau

My best friend is one of those women who would give you the shirt off her back. I swear you could spit on her and she'd still be nice to you - she might not, but that's the sort of person she is.

She was married to an alcoholic for years, and put up with his binges, barfing, abuse, passing out and disappearing far longer than I ever would have, until finally she did grow a spine and kicked him out. Then she filed for divorce. She's now been officially single for two years.

During that time her ex's parents (alcoholics themselves) kept in touch, asking her to chauffer them places (neither of them should be driving even when they're sober) or inviting her to family events as if she was still married to their son.

She's struggled a lot with it because she didn't want to hurt them - even though I told her it was exceedingly weird to still have a relationship like that with your ex's parents. Gradually over time, she weened them away and hadn't heard from them in a while.

Then today she got a phone call from the ex-Mother in law. The ex-husband died, drowning in his own vomit while passed out. And my friend is invited to the funeral. She was told she could sit in the front row with the parents and ride in the hearse.

I counseled against this. If it were me, I don't think I could even stand to sign the guest book at the visitation, much less go to the funeral. This guy was an unholy bastard to her, destroyed her credit, slapped her and wrecked three of her cars with his drinking. Now she's supposed to pay her respects?

I know if she goes, she's going to feel badly - as if there was ever anything she could have done for him. As if she still owed his parents a single thing. But I have a feeling she's going to relent and go to the funeral anyway. It's how she works, and I just don't think it's going to be healthy for her. She's classical codependent.

I'm at a loss as to what to say to her. I should just shut up and bite my tongue, but this woman is my best friend in the whole world and I don't want to see her hurt any more than she is.

What would you tell her?

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Colette Meiji

sounds like a "go to the showing, be respectful, skip the funeral" type of situations to me.

she needs to somehow stop being Taxi for her ex-inlaws also.

Melodie Darwin

Best thing I did with ex and his crazy family was cut every tie I could. It did me worlds of good to be able to say it cannot be my emergency anymore.

Your friend may still have to work through some of the guilt she might have regardless of what anyone else says. Hopefully this will be a point for her to be able to get the rest of her life back.

See if she can put the parents in touch with various social agencies to help them.

bladyblue

She was married to him. I believe she needs closure also. Funerals are closure. After the funeral she could more effectively ween the parents off her (just drive them to an AA Meeting. I doubt you will ever see them again).

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VictoriannaWriter

The way I see it on what you should tell her. She's your best friend and a good friend would tell how they feel whether it hurts or not. That's what good friends do.

Just say, "look you're my best friend, and best friends tell each other the truth on our feelings whether it hurts or not and I want to be honest with you on my feelings about this whole situation. And it's up to you what you feel you should do and want to do but I feel that because of all that you went through with this guy I don't think you should go because it will open up old wounds and you've struggled enough. Just say good bye in your own way and then put it past you. That part of your life is over and you've started a new life. I feel that you shouldn't go to the funeral, yes, you're the x wife but you're not obligated to do this and I feel that you shouldn't do this. Life happens the way it's supposed to whether we like it or not. Sadly, he did this to himself and hurt you in the process. Do you feel that he deserves for you to pay your respects? I feel that he doesn't deserve that from you from what he's done to you. I don't mean this in a hurtful way to you, just being honest with how I feel about it."

Or something along those lines. IMO.

I don't think she should go for what he did to her. I've been in a situation like that with my x husband and if he died tomorrow, it would be sad but I wouldn't go to the funeral.

That's my 2 cents.

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CoyoteMomiji

These people don't need a chauffeur, they need an intervention, and it's not her job to do it.

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CoyoteMomiji

For the record, I would attend my exhusband's funeral.

His mother and I would take turns using the body as a pinata.

Chrissy

My X was also a drunk and abused me & my kids. Its been 16 years since the devorce and although the man put me threw hell and back I would go to his funeral. Because he is my daughters father and I would go mostly for my daughter.

If I did not have any kids with him I would not go. If I was close to the x's family I would go to support them but I would not be in the recieving line or ride in the family car.

As for advice for your friend, I would only give her advice on this if she asked for it. If she did I would tell her that I was concerned about her getting hurt but I would also listen to how she feels about it and encorage her to do what she feels would be best for her. She might be still in love with him or still have strong feelings for him. She might need to go for herself not for him.

If she has kids with him and they are old enough to attend the funeral then she might want to go for her kids.

Allana Dion

I don't think you can tell her what she should or shouldn't do. I think the only thing you can do is listen to her when she needs to vent. In the end she'll do what she feels she needs to do.

It sounds like she's already managing to cut ties with his family, but she may actually need to attend his funeral in order to cut those last remaining emotional ties to him.

At the most I might suggest to her that sitting with the family would be opening doors in her relationship with them that she's been working on closing, so not a good idea. Perhaps suggest that she could explain to them that she doesn't think it's appropriate for her to sit with the family because she isn't family anymore. Then if and when she attends (she's likely going to) she will be free to slip in, say her goodbyes and slip back out again.

ETA: You could also offer to attend with her, thereby allowing her to use you as an excuse to not involve herself too deeply with the family. She can't ride in the hearse because she's riding with you, she can't sit with the family because she's sitting with you, etc.

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Chrissy

Thats a really good idea in fact if it was me I would not want to attend alone.

Asher Bertrand

Funerals are for the living. If going would make her feel better or help her put things to rest, she should go. If it makes her feel worse, she should stay home. Whatever makes her feel better; not what makes someone else feel better.

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Willow Matthews

Cin, it's the last call. Just support her in what she wants to do after she totally takes Allana's advice.

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VictoriannaWriter

I agree with Chrissy. If I had kids with my x I would go, but since we didn't have any kids together I wouldn't. I also agree that all you can really do is listen, be there for her and be her shoulder to lean on.

I also agree with Allana, that if she does want to go, go with her so that she doesn't have to ride in the hearse or sit with her x in-laws. It gives a great excuse if she wants to leave early because if she does ride in the hearse or sit with his family it would be really hard for her to get away.

Roxanne Blue

I agree with Allana & Victoria, Cindy. I'm pretty sure your friend already knows how you feel about her ex. If she feels the need for closure, kids or not, I'd respect that need and offer to attend with her. You, or another friend if you can't, provide the perfectly polite excuse not to get trapped back into the ex's family dysfunction cycle.

Weaning away Ma & Pa will be far easier for her once she gets her mind and emotions around the fact that he's gone.

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Cindy Claveau

Thanks, you guys. As much as I hate funerals, I'd go with her to be her support as long as we sat among the crowd and not the family.

I hate to admit there's also a little morbid curiousity in me - I haven't seen this guy since their divorce and I'm betting that two years of his liquid diet turned him into a walking corpse. Now he's not walking.

(I horrify myself sometimes. )

I've only given her advice when she asks, but we talk so much it's hard for this issue to not come out and become a point of discussion with us. She already knows how I feel about her ex-in laws and that taxi service has closed for good. Maybe the way to look at this is "one last thing to do, then never again".

Lucky for her, she had a nice insurance policy on the ex. She's going to be getting a new car soon, courtesy of the abusive drunk.

Roxanne Blue

Now there's something useful he finally did... died.

I know what you mean about horrifying yourself... Did I really say that?

Khamon

You've already said what you have to say. At this point, as a friend, you can only shut up, support her decision, and be there to listen when it's over. She'll likely regret going or not going for various reasons; it's gonna be a sad time anyway and it's ultimately up to her to believe what will be best for her. Absolutely nothing can be accomplished by you beating her over the head with your opinion.

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Allana Dion

Don't be too surprised if she does suddenly seem to be truly grieving and not just being dutiful. You hated this guy and rightly so, but at some point in her life, regardless of how angry he eventually made her, she did love him. She loved him enough to put up with him for longer than she should have.

So this may actually be the time for her to grieve, not necessarily for his death, but for the loss of that past love.

Jessica Robertson

I'm horrible in advanced social situations, so I don't have any idea what I would do and don't have much advice to offer other then "Be there for your friend."

This, however, this was the funniest thing I have read in a long time Cindy!

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Argent Stonecutter

This.

That's my first thought... maybe she needs to go to the funeral for herself.

Maybe she'll feel worse for going. Maybe she'll feel worse for not going. So long as she does whatever she does for herself, she needs your support.

Sansarya

Alcoholism is a disease, and it's a very hard one to control. I'm sorry for your friend's problems with her ex-husband and his parents, but I'm also appalled at some of the responses here. Would it have been different if he'd died of cancer?

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Cindy Claveau

I'm pretty familiar with addiction diseases, including alcohol. I think the guy would have gotten more empathy (at least from myself and my friend) had he not abused her, both verbally and physically. I probably wouldn't feel much empathy for a cancer victim who beat their wife, either.

The rest of the damage he caused in her life is par for the course with alcoholics who've hit their bottom for any length of time. But the minute he started hitting her was the minute I encouraged her to leave him and not look back. She was already thinking about it, and a little support was all she needed to help her out of the codependency loop.

He was a drunk for almost 10 years and never once really gave AA a fair shot. He was in at least two sobriety clinics and none of it ever helped him take responsibility for his problems. So while I would never wish death on anyone, or sit in judgment on anyone who's going through a disease like this I also think she's better off now without him around.

Liona Clio

Word. A friend of my family had an abusive alcoholic husband she was separated from. He recently died in a car accident with his girlfriend. I was initally shocked by my mother's "Good Riddance" comment...but I have to admit that the situation is better without him in the picture.

We have a short time on this world. People suffering from addiction have only have that time to take responsibility for their actions. There was a choice made to start almost every addiction. There must be the choice made to end it. If the addict doesn't want to make that choice...then they're responsible for what consequences the addiction 'makes' them do.

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Be11a Lefevre Bunny Swan

One vote for the pinata idea. Good therapy.

Rose Alba Karuna

One thing I'd like to mention that I haven't seen here. I'd recommend that she go to a therapist. Seriously. She has been through what amounts to a "war" and now she's dealing with the aftermath, including his death.

It might help her so that she does not find another abuser to share her life with.

I did not go to my ex's funeral, mostly though, because I did not know he died until a few weeks after. In any case, it would have been ackward because even though his family really liked me, he was living with a woman when he died. I would not have wanted to make her uncomfortable. She'd been through enough.

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