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Cindy Claveau

If I've seen one consistent theme across my internet experience, it's been that people will always have conflicts. Sounds human, right? So is it just me or do more of the 'virtual' conflicts and disagreements result in long-term grudges than they do in RL?

My Dad has had a long term grudge against my aunt for most of his life. I can't understand why he won't just let it go now that they're both in the twilight of their years. But Dad is a stubborn guy sometimes and he's not a gauge by which I choose to judge the rest of humanity.

Then I see people on the web who are, usually, much younger with a lot more going for them in terms of good lives and future prospects. I've seen their grudges carry over from one forum to another, from one community to another. I've seen them fire up flame wars at the drop of a hat because of some ill-advised comment or online behavior that happened months or years ago. It's almost Pavlovian: when they see that screen name, they start frothing at the mouth and going out of their way to start another fight.

And I'm taken aback by the extent of people's vitriole. I don't consider myself *that* much of a positive person, and I know I can internalize hurt too much for my own good sometimes. But by and large I like to think that most people have decent hearts and deserve some sort of forgiveness. We all have bad days, and on the internet one bad day can sometimes translate into all sorts of rotten karma that will haunt us for months.

I'm asking y'all, my adopted internet family, why you think this is? Do grudges last longer on the web than RL? Is it just easier to say hurtful things here and then easier to internalize that hurt? Or am I just too much of a Polyanna and some people aren't as nice as I like to believe? What the hell's going on and why is there so much anger and venom sometimes? Whatever happened to "forgiveness"?

I'm not singling ANYONE out here, so don't get all paranoid. It's not just SLU where this happens. But hey, if the shoe fits maybe it's time to ask oneself some serious questions and total up the energy spent being pissed off at someone?

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Joshua Nightshade

I hate you and I'll never, ever forget why.

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Fade Languish

I suppose partly because it's easier to depersonalise someone. In RL, when you're pissed at someone, and they're still floating around your life, eventually through contact you end up softening up. You get to see their facial expressions, get a sense of how they're feeling, visual cues.

Like when you've had a blazing row with your partner, a few hours later, you look at them, and you know it's alright again, so you talk. Or if you're being an asshole to someone, you get to see the impact. Or it's just too uncomfortable to be in the same space and be shitty, so you drop it.

And stuff.

Joshua Nightshade

I am as vitriolic in RL as I am digitally.

badkittybeth

I've eaten a few slices of humble pie in my day.

I am not too good to admit when im wrong. And I don't carry grudges as I usually forget harsh words quickly. It's the nice things I tend to remember easier.

Surreal Farber

Wait.. you're a real person.. not just voices in my head?

Cindy Claveau

I hope not, Josh - but you're not the bad-ass you pretend. I've seen you being sweet and caring!

Aren't you worried about ulcers? Anger and vitriole might even have a physical tie to cancer.

Cindy Claveau

That was my alt, I swear!

Joshua Nightshade

Well it's not like I brood, something can make me massively angry in a moment and then I largely forget about it until it comes up later-- if it never gets resolved.

I do hold grudges incredibly long, it's the Scorpio. But when satisfied I drop them pretty quickly.

Cindy Claveau

Are you Italian?

Joshua Nightshade

Half Irish!

Cincia Singh

I disagree with lots of people and sometimes I do ti tactlessly and before I think ... but I also love most of the people I disagree with and those I don't love I DO respect. Life is too short to bear grudges.

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Cindy Claveau

So you're a leprechaun? That explains a lot.

Derrits Mapp

Just don't take the internet too seriously. Sometimes, if you're in the mood, arguing might be a fun thing to do. For some people it's their only hobby, for some it's just a way to quickly pass time.
I've long lost interest in taking any attacks or debates personal, especially if I don't know the person.
If it's somebody whom I've known for a long time, then there's always a possibility that others might not even see in some cases: It's just for fun (Yes. Two people arguing can be just for fun, too.)

Just shrug it off if you pass by people attacking each other. They're either fully immerged in their hobby, just having some fun or, well. Or they're actually fighting. In that case - Shrug harder and walk faster. It's not worth getting worked up over a bunch of pixels too much.

Ingrid

Forgiveness is for suckers. And grudges are just good common sense.

Markubis

are you getting satisfied enough?

Jessyanne

For me, it depends on the reason. Someone has a difference of opinion with me, and we spar back and forth.. no biggie. We can have angry words and the next day, its brushed off.

Someone tramples on me though... on purpose... Fuck that. I will make their lives hell. I may forgive.. .but I never forget. And Ill make sure THEY never forget.

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Cindy Claveau

So you're Italian?

Jessyanne

100% darlin.

Decadent

I'm a lot like Joshua. (GASP!)

I'll brood, and in some extreme cases will remain angry and ranty when I log off, but will get over it once my sense of justice has been satisfied. If it's an extreme, extreme case of someone fucking with me on purpose and relentlessly, I'll work behind the scenes every time they even mention me to fuck them up. Hard. And then I'll ignore them until the next time.

I'm not one to latch onto the latest -- or oldest -- whipping boy just because they're there; I let people dig their own graves and then indulge in some hijinks when they do, after waiting to see if and/or how they act.

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Jessica Robertson

I believe people have base personalities.

I don't hold grudges, and generally, I don't believe there is anything to forgive even if someone wrongs me.

I figure, if they wrong me, that it is part of their base personality that they did. Either they know the difference between right and wrong and don't care or they do not place a high enough priority on their friendships to care.

So, instead of forgiving or holding grudges. I always forgive, and I don't hold grudges, but I choose not to be friends with those who I would have to forgive or hold grudges against.

Once I believe I have enough information to determine someone's base personality, I'm either friends with them, or I am not.

Vertigo Paris

I hold grudges and I hold onto them tight.

I don't care about ulcers or any of that other crap, I just know that if a person causes me distress, I do everything in my power to avoid them, any contact with them, anything. I have been told that I have an ability to look through someone like they aren't even there and for intents and purposes, in my mind, they aren't. They just cease to exist for me.

Once someone gets on my bad side, that's it, there are no second chances.

I could go into the whys and what for's but in the end, it's what suits me best and how I chose to survive.

That being said, I don't go out of my way to be mean to someone I dislike, I don't even try to persuade other's not to talk to the person. I'll hold my own tongue and let them decide for themselves but I will vent to those select few I feel I can trust.

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