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Is he always like this?
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SL for Idjits - or - Why I Can't Teach

Posted 04-03-2008 at 08:17 PM by MenuBar Memorial
Updated 04-03-2008 at 08:37 PM by MenuBar Memorial

by Race Bannon

I think I know what I'm doing. I'm an amateur developer with over a dozen shareware programs in public use, and through my years of computer usage and out of necessity, I've had to learn a lot more about them outside my normal field of studies.

So, sometimes people come to me for advice...

In my heart, I truly want to help them have a more "user-friendly" experience. I know a lot of ways to make a computer friendlier, happier, and easier to use, and I'm always enthusiastic about sharing my knowledge with others. So I'm the exact person to talk to when one has a problem, one would think.

Here's where the whole deal goes south very quickly...

If you're a teacher in SL, I applaud you! When you teach a person, you might say something like...

YOU: Okay, open preferences and reduce draw distance to 198M.

And the other person would respond;

PERSON: Okay, done.

Easy! Right?

Well for me it's different. Invariably my one-on-one teaching sessions usually go like this...

ME: Open preferences and reduce draw distance to 198.

THEM: What if I set it up to 2400?

ME: No, that's doing the opposite of what we want, set it to 198.

THEM: Okay.

ME: Now, set your graphics slider to LOW.

THEM: Do I have to change the draw distance again?

ME: No.

THEM: Okay, I'll leave draw distance at 2400.

ME: No, wait. I said to set that at 198.

THEM: Okay I'll reset it, but I know it won't make any difference.

ME: It will. Now, did you set graphics settings to low?

THEM: Nah, I like it on high settings. Last night I was camping and three zombies were greyed-out so I keep it high and yadda, yadda, yadda (1 hour)...

ME: Okay, just do *exactly* what I say for a minute...

THEM: Okay, jeeze! You're so friggin' impatient! Besides, I've done all this crap before and nothing works. SL is just plain laggy sucky!

ME: Well, just relax and we'll go through it one step at a time. I guarantee you'll be less laggy after you do this...

THEM: (sigh) Okay Jeeze! Which window should I change these preferences in?

ME: Which window? The preferences windo...

THEM: No stupid! Which SL WINDOW?

ME: SL window? Are you running two SL clients?

THEM: Three.

ME: The hell you need 3 SL clients running for? No wonder you're lagging ass...

THEM: I always run 3, sometimes 4! I need one at my store, one is camping, and the other I'm not really even using, it's just saving a camping chair for a friend.

ME: And you called me on Skype?

THEM: Yeah, hang on a sec, my pixelwife is IMming me on Yahoo.

ME: Three clients, Yahoo, Skype. Do you have anything else running on your machine?

THEM: I told you NO stupid, jeeze. Hang on, I gotta get this Photoshop window outta the way.

ME: ...and Photoshop. Let me guess now - are you also running any P2P software?

THEM: No, no, no! That's my son - when he's not playing WoW on his machine, he's BitTorrenting maps for other games. Hang on, I think iTunes is done downloading that movie I rented.

ME: ...and your son, is he using the same internet connection as you?

THEM: No, stupid! We have a wireless network in our house! He's using HIS OWN computer! Jeeze! He says WoW is NOWHERE NEAR as laggy as this SL crap! LL should fire everybody and get some good workers there!

ME: Um, yeah... That sure would reduce your lag problem I guess.

THEM: They need to get rid of all these copybots in camping chairs! There's 60,000 people on right now and I'll bet 59,998 are copybots!

ME: Really? You think so?

THEM: Yeah! Don't you read blogs? Jeeze, for someone who thinks they know it all you sure are uninformed! Those boys at LL couldn't code their way out of a wet paper bag and...

ME: To be fair, some of them are women...

THEM: They make you *THINK* they're women, but they're really guys wearing women's alts!

ME: Really? Wow, who woulda thunk...

THEM: Yeah, and the reason I can't TP to the overcrowded camping area is because they're adding all sorts of shiny eye-candy to SL and totally ignoring everybody! They don't seem to realize that all we want to do is sit in camping chairs!

ME: Yeah! You should probably write a blog post or something! Give 'em hell!

THEM: Take VOICE for example! NOBODY in camping chairs uses it so why did they include it if nobody uses it? Just plain stupid! If I want to talk using my voice, I have Skype, Yahoo, AOL and AIM!

ME: You may have a point there - maybe put your hat in your lap and nobody will notice.

THEM: What? Yeah! And I know this Windlight sht is gonna crash me, so I ain't even gonna install it.

ME: Well, considering it's the actual updated viewer you're talking about, which includes dozens of bug fixes, is less laggy and more stable...

THEM: YEAH! They're going to be *FORCING* me to use it!!!

ME: Well, nobody's forcing you to do anything, but many of the improvements directly address the problems you seem to be having, and...

THEM: Yeah, right. I'll believe that when I see it.

ME: Here's an idea - download the new upgrade and try it.

THEM: No frickin' way man. I read one blog post where a guy lost all his land with windlight.

ME: He lost all his land because of windlight? How do you figure that?

THEM: That's what his post said on the blog! He says he didn't do nothin' and he lost it all to a copybot! Go ahead and read it!

ME: Yeah, I don't think I need to read it to know he's...

THEM: And another guy says he still gets his attachments up his butt when he TPs. I'm so sick of pulling my 500-prim gorean boots outta my ass!

ME: You have 500-prim boots?

THEM: Each, yeah. But that's nothing, my slave-control belt is over 1000 prims, and that's not counting the particle chains and cages and stuff! You should see it! Slave girls aren't allowed to look at it, so it's mostly hidden under my flexi-coat. You don't even know its there unless I have my fireball face-light orbiting around me.

ME: Uh, let's get back to your "lag problem"...

THEM: Yeah, if LL would fix this sht I wouldn't be having these problems.

ME: Right... Listen, do you know the "Quick-Trick" to make SL faster?

THEM: "Quick-Trick?" No, never heard of it.

ME: Try this, in each SL client window... hold down your Windoze Key and type "QUICK" and it will make SL run better.

THEM: (silence)

ME: ...hello?

THEM: (user has logged off)

ME: ...aah, lag problem solved.
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  1. Old Comment
    Great Read! This is clearly a case of a defective student... I am shocked you hung in there as long as you did!
    Posted 04-05-2008 at 10:51 AM by Andie Ashbourne Andie Ashbourne is offline