Watchin' TeeVee - SURVIVORMAN doesn't smoke

Okay, so I'm watching TV and there's this show "SurvivorMan" where this guy puts himself in a survival situation in the wilderness for several days and shows how one might get through it alive.

This particular episode, he's stranded in the snowy cold northland somewhere up in Canada where they only speak French. In his "survival kit", he has a wool blanket, a "multi-tool" (basically a Swiss Army Knife), a sharp axe, and a "survival saw" for cutting wood.

"I never go ANYWHERE without a good multi-tool" he says. Apparently he's never boarded an airplane in the US - hell, that hat alone is enough to get him tagged as a terrorist.

It occurs to me - why the heck doesn't this guy ever think to pack a simple $1.98 Bic Lighter in his "survival kit"? Rather he's sitting in the woods trying to strike a fire using sticks, tin cans, batteries, a used condom and a razor blade, etc. that sorta thing.

And when he *DOES* remember to pack some fire device it's usually matches! HELLO!! 1950 called and wants you to stop stinking up the place with your sulfurous matches, daddy-o!

I don't smoke much - maybe a half-pack a day and incidental bong hits here and there (medicinal purposes only of course - it alleviates the pain of a laggy sim), but even I carry a Bic around with me everywhere I go!

The mastery of fire is one of the major things that separates mankind from animals. You can have the fattest Swiss Army Knife, but it ain't gonna start a fire in a rainy night in the jungle like a good ol' Bic will!

I'd love to be on a commercial air flight gone down in the jungle and when it comes time to start a fire, everybody looks at me with my Bic lighter and I'd be all like "Oh, so NOWWW the smoker's the GOOD GUY eh? You wouldn't let me toke up on the plane, but now it's like 'Oh Hank, please give us a light'. Well the shoe's on the OTHER FOOT now buckaroos! I'm starting my OWN fire over here and if you want to look at it, it'll cost ya 50¢ - and to warm your hands or dry your clothes, it's a buck. Cough it up non-smokers! Doesn't seem so bad for my health NOW does it huh?"

Sure, I'd probably run out of smokes after a day or two, and then they'd kill me for being such a whiney biatch trying to bum smokes off of everyone. They'd steal my lighter, cook me and eat me, and whoever ended up with the lighter would be King of the Jungle!

After they kill the fat kid by dropping a boulder on his head, they'll be rescued and tell the world about the importance of carrying a Bic Lighter around with you.

I guess what I'm trying to convey here is that you need to have a good cigarette lighter with you at all times, or you may die. The cheap ones are tolerable in a pinch, but they fall apart and fail a lot. A good flick of the Bic is the only way to go.

Being the man of action that I am, I use mine in survival situations all the time...

Besides being used to make fire, it makes a nice soft hammer for banging on tiny things or squishing poisonous bugs. With a little practice you can pop the tops off of beer or soda-pop bottles with it. If you need to hold down a key on your computer, you can jimmy the lighter in there sideways, cramp it in tight and maybe put a stapler on top of it somehow. If you still have an 8-track tape player in your car, you can kind-of wedge the bic lighter between the tape cartridge and the knob on the radio so that it plays on the proper track whenever you make a sharp left turn. I've also used them to destroy machinery - just toss one into the gears and watch what happens!

So, my advice would be - carry a Bic Lighter around with you wherever you go. The risk of it exploding in your pocket, or leaking and turning you into a human torch are minor compared to what it can do in an emergency situation.