President Carter and the Alien Proctor

An interesting part of American history that is often overlooked is the Alien University Incident that took place during the Jimmy Carter administration in 1978.


To refresh the memory of those who were not born yet or were victims of the Disco Mindwash and Max Headroom subliminal hypnosis experiments, there was a short visitation by several alien students from a university on Beta Reticulous (a small cluster near Arcturus Prime) led by an alien being known as Proctor Twat Morgan.

The scientific community met the space travelers early in the morning of June 25th and arrangements were made for an official press conference and meeting with the President of the United States to be broadcast worldwide.

Before the big press conference, scientists had a short time to speak with the aliens concerning their modes of interstellar travel and other subjects of mutual interest. These talks with the aliens revealed that their society functioned perfectly without any concept of money or finances, no laws, no police or military, and that the inhabitants led a blissfully happy symbiotic relationship with their planet's resources, consuming what the planet doesn't need, and exuding the nutrients the planet does need in return through a simple waste management theory.

The leader of the alien group, Proctor Twat Morgan, assured the scientific community that many of these concepts are simple ideas that can easily be adopted by humans to completely solve many of Earth's major problems within an amazingly short time period.

At this point, let me describe the physical appearance of the aliens, in case you doubt if something that works for one species would work for humans...

Three of the alien students were male, four were female. Very human in appearance, except shorter with a slightly pallid grayness to their skins and large, dark almond-shaped eyes. All wore no clothing, except for Proctor Twat Morgan, who was thinner than the others and stood about a good meter taller than the rest. He wore a full body green synthetic "skin" from his feet to his neck, even forming gloves over his hands. The females had rounder bellies than the males, and protruding breasts. The males had wider forearms, and a "camel-toe" type of pouch which covers their retractable genitalia.

The males in the group delighted in causing the Proctor distress, as it was his job to keep the students in line during their visit. All three males seemed to have severe gas and would loudly "cut loose", laughing hysterically as Twat tried to maintain civility among the group.

The press corps were assembled in the White House for the first official confirmation of alien visitations, while President Carter and his staff gathered in the Green Room to meet the aliens beforehand and brief them on the upcoming press conference.

There was an audible gasp as the aliens entered the room. The Proctor effortlessly glided across the room, graciously extended his hand to the President and proudly announced "My name is Twat."

The President stood in stunned silence, eyes blinking, hand still extended, Secretary of State, Cyrus Vance, did a remarkable "spit-take" with a mouthful of coffee and Walter Mondale burst into a spontaneous guffaw, while the women in the room blushed and twittered.

Proctor Twat looked around the room, confused and perplexed at their response. "Is there a problem?" he inquired.

"You're damned right there's a problem," choked Mondale, "we can't let you go out there in front of millions of television viewers insulting their goddamned sense of dignity!"

Cyrus Vance wiped the coffee from his shirt with his tie saying "...pardon me Mr. President, but the press is waiting. We have 20 minutes to get this over with and then we're off to Camp David with Anwar."

"This is a serious consideration," Carter asserted "I honestly don't think the world is ready for this such a word on television."

Press Secretary Shirley Jacobs intervened "I can't believe you are all being so juvenile! It's only a WORD for christ's sakes!"

Mondale lunged across the room at her like a moose pouncing on its prey, boldly shouting "Put a sock in it 'Edith'! Your kind is what's gonna drive this country to the dogs! How would you like your innocent little children riding the bus to school Monday morning discussing 'Twat'? You'd probably get your rocks off on it wouldn't you - huh! - wouldn't you?!?!"

He grasped her tightly by the throat and positioned his shaking fist inches before her reddening face "You'd probably LIKE THAT wouldn't you! You'd probably..."

"Easy, easy there Walter. Put the poor girl down won't you." Carter intervened, "She's plenty new at the job, boy, and she gots a whole buncha press people outside a-waitin' on us to..."

Before he could finish, Mondale violently smashed his fist into her nose, slamming it up into her cranium and smashing the back of her skull against the concrete reinforced wall. As her bloodied body slunk to the ground, he pulled a .45 calibre derringer from his garter and pumped 3 rounds into her lifeless chest.

"WALTER! WTF HAVE YOU DONE!?!?!" screamed the President as Mondale licked the blood from his hands.

"You said to put her down, so I put her down, like you said. What? I'm supposed to stop following orders just because there's some goddamned aliens in the room?"

"No, Walter, I said 'put her down' because you had her up a good foot off a the ground, boy. I didn't mean put her down like 'kill her' for christ sakes. Now we have some kinda incident on our hands here."

"Sir, 10 minutes 'til our flight leaves for Camp David - what shall I tell the press?" enquired Vance.

"Cy, Anwar can wait! Can't you see we have a major problem here?"

Mondale lifts the phone and says "You go on to Camp David without me. I'll call 'The Cleaners' to come out and take care of this mess. We'll need a car with tinted windows that WON'T BREAK DOWN and plenty of towels. This will be gone before your plane touches down, sir."

"Good man, Walter. See to it that it's done. And take care of the aliens too will you?"

"Yeah," Mondale glared through clenched teeth "I'll take care of them alright."