http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/ Second Life discussion forum and photo sharing en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 20:24:25 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/images/styles/bingo/misc/rss.jpg http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/ http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/824-frustrated.html Fri, 25 Sep 2009 13:00:22 GMT I have been growing increasingly frustrated and depressed about the potential future of Second Life. It has taken me 3 years to really get fully... I have been growing increasingly frustrated and depressed about the potential future of Second Life.

It has taken me 3 years to really get fully acquainted with Second Life in a way that really truly makes it feel like a second life. I've made so many friends in SL. I've found some interesting ways of creating things in Second Life that does exactly what I've always wanted to do in a graphics engine. The only thing I haven't done is created a terrain--but I'd have to have a lot of money to do that.

I have been DJing on a regular basis, this last Friday night I made over L$5,400 in tips at just one event. It has been wonderful.

So many great things have been happening for me in Second Life.

But then the IP theft court issue creeps its way into the forums, and I, like an idiot, read it. I should know better, I worry about things unnecessarily--but lately the turns it has taken really makes it seem like something that could destroy the experience of Second Life for a lot of people, and if Blue Mars takes off like it looks like it is going to, Second Life could be rendered mostly obsolete in the matter of a year, with only a few hundred to possibly a couple thousand stranglers left over, probably half of them being traffic bots LOL

I try to view this in as positive of a way as I know how, but it has been really difficult. Ignorance is bliss, and there hasn't been a time where I've wished I DIDN'T know about something more than now, quite frankly. I wish I didn't know about Blue Mars, and I wish I didn't know a damn thing about the IP theft court cases. It has been ruining my experience in Second Life.

I just needed to rant about this. Thanks for reading if you have. ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/824-frustrated.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/788-update-changes.html Tue, 25 Aug 2009 10:48:54 GMT I know I've rambled on about how much I enjoy being heavy, and I DO enjoy it, but 260 pounds on a 5'6" frame has taken its toll on my breathing. I won't be doing anything significant and suddenly I need to breathe heavily as if I wasn't breathing enough. I shouldn't have to consciously focus on my breathing all the time, that's just not a good thing.

So--I am hoping to get down to about 215. I don't want to be thinner than that, really, and I'd like much of the weight to be in muscle. The main thing is getting my breathing back to normal.

EDIT, 8-25-09 @ 11:12 pm: UPDATE: I still really do enjoy being big--and I think for now I'm just going to get more physically active, give my respiratory system a good workout on a regular basis, and see if that takes care of the problem. I'm certainly not going to gain any more weight, but I don't really want to go back down to 215 again either.

---------------------------

The band I was in that I had quit last year in October I am most likely joining back up with next Tuesday as lead vocalist again. I know they were pretty harsh towards me near the end there before and did some awful things, but the blame is also on me. We've made up, apologized to each other, and we've all done a lot of growing as people.

The one thing I'm going to tell them that is very important is that I need them to disallow me to do weed. I'm going to tell them that if I ask if I can do weed that they refuse, and if they ever see a pipe in my hand that they're going to be willing to do whatever it takes to get it out of my hand, even if it means them assaulting me. I cannot get back into a weed habit again, period, it destroys me, makes me become a useless member of the band, and it's just bad news FOR ME in general. If they're not willing to agree to do those things, I will not be joining the band.

-------------------------

I have seen my counselor yet again, and my doctor was able to give me a regular prescription for REGULAR Seroquel (instead of the XR stuff that makes me groggy all day and yet I can't get any sleep) and GAU is paying for it. Thank god. ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/788-update-changes.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/775-i-guess-i-do.html Tue, 11 Aug 2009 04:15:11 GMT Beware--this is a stream of consciousness blog.

First off, let me state that I am doing better than I ever have. I'm not letting things get to me like I used to, and my mood swings aren't shit now. It has been a wonderful change.

The psychiatrist I had before my last one (god she was awful), I had made an inquiry about Aspergers and she asked me a very specific questions that I said "no" to and she automatically took me out of that category--no ifs ands or buts. This was the psychiatrist who would willfully put me on medications that were the ONLY ones of their type that had the side effects I specifically told her I couldn't handle. Plenty of other medications that were in the same category that DIDN'T have those side effects, and she turns around and gives me the ONLY ones that gave me those side effects. What a horrible psychiatrist she was.... Psychiatrists NEED TO LISTEN to their patients.

The last psychiatrist I had talked with who was a godsend who got me on Seroquel (which has been a miracle drug for me), and also the latest counselor I talked with today was asking me a lot of questions, and I never brought up Aspergers or autism, but they both had come to the conclusion after a long line of questioning that I at the very least have Aspergers and will be doing further tests to see whether I may be a functioning autistic. It's when they asked me about how I socialize and how I did growing up when socializing (pure memorization instead of just going with the flow) that really put the icing on the cake as to their conclusions.

This is quite a relief for me. As much as I'm doing so much better than I was before, I still struggle in many of the same areas and just have no clue as to how to get past some of those things. Being able to get into some groups (group therapy etc) with others who suffer from the same problems would be such a helpful thing for me.

I've been still trying to get on SSI for my mental issues because I've had a hard time keeping work because of my meltdowns (can't talk, tears streaming, can't hardly move) that happen when too many changes in my job occur after I've meticulously memorized the way to do things, or when there's too much information to have to process at a time that's usually something simple for other people, but because I meticulously memorize everything about every given scenario, it's really rough for me. One change in the equation and I basically have to rebuild the database in my head from scratch--while most people just simply adapt because their way of dealing with the scenario wasn't based on meticulous memorization.

My computer repair business hasn't been going so well, I mean, it was going well for a while, and the people whom I fixed their computers have never been happier with their machines, but I guess I've done things SO well (including giving them computer tutorials on how to keep their machines running nicely) that they've not had any problems and I've already worked on THEIR friends' computers, and I haven't charged enough for my services to really make an income. --And when I've worked on computers, I've lived and breathed computer repair to the point where nothing else exists, and when I DID have a lot of work, I was starting to get things in my head confused/scrambled so-to-speak. I've done great work, but I did still have a couple meltdowns that luckily nobody had to see but me. Anyway, I've not had any new computer work since that huge burst of customers. Still working on it, but wow....

Anyway.....

I'm sending off music demos to radio stations this week and then small record labels next week. I can't believe how many new song ideas I've been having on the guitar--I'm so used to doing sequenced music but it seems my folk-like music has been getting a better response than ANYTHING I've done in my past, so I'm going to continue to go with it.

So basically, things are going really well, and again, I'm relieved that I actually DO have aspergers and possibly may be autistic. Maybe that may seem strange to people that it would be a relief, but if you've went through what I've went through mentally in just regular everyday scenarios, you'd understand.

Anyway, if you've read this, thanks for reading this. ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/775-i-guess-i-do.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/766-mounting-unmountable.html Fri, 31 Jul 2009 08:17:26 GMT For nerds like me this isn't a misleading blog title. For others it is LOL

All I can say right now is that I'm really glad I don't just know about Windows (and some MacOS X) and know at least something about Linux.

I've been working on a Windows machine in which the large drive (which we got a replacement for) pretty much crapped out, and that drive is the one that contains all of this guy's important files.

This drive cannot be accessed by Windows at all--Disk Management can't see it, not even the Windows XP install wizard off the Windows XP Pro CD can see it correctly (it sees it as "unknown device" and it takes about 10 minutes just for it to come to that conclusion). Just having the drive connected makes a fresh copy of Windows take 8 minutes to boot up. At that point, the only thing that could see it was the BIOS.

Now Linux, on the other hand, was able to see that something was there, and in trying to mount it, it gave me the info I needed so I could FORCE mount it (even though it wasn't really recommended). I love that aspect to Linux--you can do things that other operating systems just flat-out won't let you do. I'm almost positive that if I WAS able to mount it in Windows, it would randomly reset or at least give me the blue screen of death.

I was able to mount the unmountable and have been able to back up his files onto another drive. It's doing it at about the speed of a floppy drive, but that's ok if it takes 72 hours to copy, at least it's copying it.

Sometimes I really love Linux. Knoppix is my friend :D ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/766-mounting-unmountable.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/760-gotta-love-medication-allergies.html Thu, 23 Jul 2009 03:51:17 GMT I had gotten strep throat somehow and my doctor put me on Cephalexin for 10 days. I thought I was just dealing with a flu of sorts, but when the... I had gotten strep throat somehow and my doctor put me on Cephalexin for 10 days. I thought I was just dealing with a flu of sorts, but when the symptoms got worse than ever today, I went to the pharmacist to ask questions and he told me to stop taking it immediately, which I have done--although it doesn't matter much since the prescribed amount was ever 6 hours and I took it only 2 hours ago. Colitis, severe fatigue, shakiness, confusion, dizziness, hives that started an hour ago, and kidney pain. Wonderful stuff.

That combined with me starting to see the side effects from my Seroquel that I'm supposed to report to my doctor that I can only see on certain Wednesdays (not today), I'd say I'm having a lovely week. :rolleyes:

I'm on GAU for my mental problems, and I can't see my doctor that I've been seeing when I was using Molina for my insurance because there isn't anywhere except for one hospital that accepts Community Health Plan under GAU (welfare for mental baskets) that doesn't have any appointments open until September, and I can't keep GAU unless I see a doctor that they approve for my mental issues.

I have a week left of regular Seroquel that my doctor had been giving me samples of, after that I have two weeks of Seroquel XR (extended release) samples which will make me tired 24/7, making me hardly able to function, in addition to some of the side effects that will probably require me to stop taking it altogether, meaning I'm probably going to go back to being a borderline psychotic bi-polar maniac in about a month. Oh the joy. :rolleyes: And if I was to try to get Seroquel without coverage, it would be $520 a month. ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/760-gotta-love-medication-allergies.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/721-never-mind-blog.html Sun, 28 Jun 2009 09:27:10 GMT EDIT: Never mind this blog. I went to a meeting today and talked about my issues, and was re-let known that the reason they don't think people should hang out with those who aren't in the program is because "if you hang out at a barber shop, you'll eventually get a haircut" and that they're not *judging* me for hanging out at other places, but that they're worried for me. I assured them that there's nothing to worry about. I also talked about how there aren't any get-togethers (like at Denny's or something) after the meetings, and was let known that if I really want a get-together, maybe *I* should be the one to initiate it, so I did tonight and there was a nice meeting.

So I wasn't editing this blog once again, I've decided to leave it in tact. The following including my response to it, is what I was going through before, so read it with a grain of salt:








If, I repeat IF I continue to go to any meetings at all, it will be Marijuana Anonymous meetings instead of Narcotics Anonymous meetings.

I am going to have to go to a couple more NA meetings to say my goodbye.

I do NOT have a problem with alcohol, but weed, because of its very nature in the fact that--well, what is "too high"? It doesn't really exist with weed, the only way to get "too high" is to smoke so much that you fall asleep.

I've been actually DRUNK a total of 3 times in my life. The most often I've ever drank is weekends, and that was only enough to get a buz.

The biggest thing that I've had a problem with in NA is that people at the meetings are constantly saying "Don't hang out with anyone who isn't in the program." Oh, that's nice, so I should block myself from being friends with 99.9% of the population. That's "great". Yep, that makes me "happy". No, it doesn't, it makes me feel like I'm part of some elitist group of people who snub their noses at those who don't do the same thing as them, and I'm getting tired of it--I know that not hanging out with people who aren't in the program is "supposed" to be for my own good, but I've not really struggled when I have.

You know that camping trip I went to? I had a GREAT time there--but people at the meetings told me I shouldn't go because some people there would be drinking and doing weed. In actuality, I was the ONLY person there who didn't either smoke weed OR do alcohol, and I was fine with it.

I'm sick of not going out anywhere except for meetings.

I don't see anything wrong with having a beer or a mixed drink as long as I'm not getting shitfaced or doing it to try to cover up my emotions.

When I first turned 21, I looked like I was 16--125 pounds, very child-like, and when I went to a bar the first time on my 21st birthday, three bartenders looked over my ID for about 10 minutes to make sure it wasn't fake before they let me in. Then after I went in, I proceeded to order a pepsi, and then a sprite. It just hasn't really ever been a problem with me.

I'd really like to go hang out at some bars that play live music again. I haven't done that for MONTHS now, and it's because I'm told that I shouldn't hang out at bars because "I'm an addict". Fuck that.

I'm tired of separating myself from the rest of the world. I'm tired of listening to the same material from the official text being read for 15-20 minutes EVERY meeting (I'm falling asleep at meetings when the readings are going on), I'm tired of working steps that with the exception of "give all your problems to God", I've been doing since I was a teenager, I'm just tired of NA.

Am I wrong for this? Am I being selfish? I don't think I am wrong or selfish for this, I think I'm being reasonable, but maybe someone can "open my eyes to my wrongs". I'd like to have A LIFE, even if I end up mainly hanging out on SL and DJing and socializing there--at least have SOME sort of a life besides going to NA meetings. I basically stopped DJing in SL except for one day a week (Tuesdays from 3-5pm at Spotlight at Manifesto) because of NA meetings that take place during the times hangouts are happening in SL. ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/721-never-mind-blog.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/685-starting-my-own-business.html Mon, 01 Jun 2009 06:17:01 GMT Since 2001 I've fixed people's computers. I've gotten 9 year old machines to run efficiently enough for them to do everything the people need them to, as well as found a way through thick or thin to keep people's files, as well as organizing things in such a way that even people who are new to computers can operate them without much problem. (also making my own tutorials for people)

Previously my panic kept me from charging a reasonable price, I always seemed to rip myself off. Now that I feel I have the right to make money, now that I feel like I'm worth something, I haven't been ripping myself off anymore.

I've been struggling trying to figure out how I'm going to bring in money. Previous to this, my panic and other mental issues (as well as my allergies to deodorant) destroyed every job I had--and I've been trying to get on SSI. Now that I'm doing quite a bit better, I may not need to get SSI, but I *do* need to find work that isn't going to have a problem with my B.O., especially being that my last refuge was baking soda, and now even that gives me a rash in a matter of hours.

I've wanted to start my own computer repair shop for a long time. Now my mother is going to let me turn the garage into my repair shop. This is great news for me. I mainly just need to get my business license, buy some extra parts to have on-hand, and start putting out internet ads as well as getting a listing in the yellow pages (not anything larger than a single entry--those ads are *expensive*!). This will also allow me to still be a caregiver for my mother.

This will all start to happen after my brother is fully out of this house. I'm very excited about this. Lately, through word of mouth in NA, I've been getting quite a bit of work just over these past couple weeks, and through all of my working on people's computers over the past 8 years, I've never (knock on wood) had a dissatisfied customer. So again, I'm quite excited about this. ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/685-starting-my-own-business.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/681-my-brother-tried-strangle-me.html Wed, 27 May 2009 05:00:24 GMT As you may know already, I live with my mother--her health has not been the greatest and I do things around the house that she can no longer do and I... As you may know already, I live with my mother--her health has not been the greatest and I do things around the house that she can no longer do and I get a little bit of money monthly as well as getting a place to stay to do those things.

I've been clean & sober for two months and 20 days--I've been clean off weed for around 7 1/2 months. I go to NA meetings regularly.

My brother is also here at the house, living upstairs. He is on SSI disability income, pays my mother for rent, but then my mother ends up giving him that money back that he uses on weed. He waits about 3 months between showers, he waits 2 weeks between clothes changes. All he does is sit upstairs getting high and playing Delta Force 2. He wouldn't even call his own daughter to tell her happy birthday because it was "too mentally tasking" yet immediately after telling me that, invited someone to come over to get high and play DF2.

He's homophobic, let us make no mistake about that.

Today my mother looked upstairs at the big pile of clothes that had built up (about 4 months worth), and offered to do the laundry. My brother took it as an invasion of his privacy and started yelling at her. My mom talked to me about it later--she and I agreed that maybe it would be best if he did his own laundry (he's never done the laundry there, or hardly at any place he's lived, my mother does it for him)--and I know that what he's scared of is that my mother might get upset over the way the washing machine was used. We write a lot of notes for each other. So, I told my mother to write a note that says not to worry about the way the washing machine is used.

When I saw my brother later in the day, I let him know that mom doesn't care how the washing machine is used. Well, he blew up at that and started going off about how "I" was the favorite child and that he never has gotten any support, and then he started going off about how my sexual orientation is a mental disorder. I stood up for myself and told him NO, it's NOT a disorder, it's not something I chose, it's the way I was born, and he goes "what, that pastor who molested you" and continued to try to talk about how fucked up I am because of my orientation, so I said what I shouldn't have, I said "Well at least I don't live like a bum. It doesn't matter what kind of place you have, you still live like a bum. When you've had other places to live, you always blamed not showering on the plumbing, you can't do that here. Why when you have a decent place to live do you live the same way?" and he took it as a threat and said "What, you're trying to be a badass now, a gay guy trying to be all badass. What a joke!" and I said "I'm not the one trying to be a badass." he started lunging towards me and said "Oh you're some real badass." and I just stood there instead of stepping back.

So he pushed me into the kitchen table. Then I just stood up, not moving, saying "what the fuck". "Yeah, you're some badass alright" he said.

Then he pushed me into the counter and proceeded to try to strangle me and I kicked him away and told him "Do that shit again and I'll call the police." and he said "You do that and my life is over, you know that" and I said "Well, why did you do that?" and he changed the subject.

Eventually I talked things out, sort-of, and I told him "I thought you were trying to kill me" and he said "I would never do that to you, we're brothers" and gave me a hug, but all that went through my head was, "you tried to strangle me, but you would never try to do that? what the fuck kind of logic is that?"

He claimed that we're always judging his life, that we're always butting in, that when he tries to make good decisions he doesn't get support, and when he does nothing people still complain--and still insisted that because he doesn't hound me about me being gay that it's somehow the same thing as my mom and I judging him for never showering and never changing his clothes and never going anywhere except to go on weed runs.

He kept talking about feeling trapped here, that everyone's trying to get into his business, that he can't move somewhere else because then he'd still be having to get money from mom because of his cigarette habit and his weed habit. At one point later in the conversation I told him "There was a time when you decided not to do weed anymore, about 6 years ago, you stopped 2 weeks and you were a different person. Have you EVER considered trying that again?" and he said "give me break."

Then we talked about how he can make a little bit of money and still get SSI. He said "No, remember last time." and I said "You were making more than $1,000 a month. That's why" "Well, mom would never go for it. All she cares about is consistency with me--and that I'm getting the SSI check. She doesn't support any decisions I make." and I said "Look, she's really worried about you losing SSI. I'll look into this. I don't have to talk to mom about it, I'll call social security and tell them about 'a friend' that is really worried about things. I'm pretty sure you can make up to the amount of money that your check is for a month. It's a lot more than $50 that mom thinks it is." and things really calmed down from there.

Anyway, I went to an NA meeting and talked about it, it helped a bit, but I'm still really shook up about it.

The last time my brother went to jail, he went on a hunger strike and almost died. But I still wonder--would I have been right if I had called the police on him after he tried to strangle me? How much further can this go? I don't know what to do. I love my brother, I love my mother, but I don't know how much more of a mediator between him and my mom things can go. She and he have had nasty yelling sprees a couple times a week lately, and I just don't know what to do. I don't know how much more irrational he's going to get.

I don't know how much more of this my mother can take--she's falling apart physically, and mentally she's not doing so great lately either, I'm seeing hints of alzheimer's coming on, and it scares me. I don't like my current situation right now, and I don't know what to do. ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/681-my-brother-tried-strangle-me.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/646-nothing-short-miracle-transformation.html Tue, 12 May 2009 05:31:42 GMT Today I experienced nothing short of a miracle transformation. When epiphanies happen, they can be life changing. This has been the most major... Today I experienced nothing short of a miracle transformation.

When epiphanies happen, they can be life changing. This has been the most major change that has ever happened in my life.

I was able to share at a meeting today in a way that I've never been able to share before because I'm usually too nervous. I spoke with confidence, without hesitation, without stuttering, without the things I'm so used to feeling and experiencing when I speak in front of people.

After the meeting I was talking with people, and my arms didn't instinctively cross, my legs didn't instinctively cross, I was animated, I used my arms when I was speaking, I was excited, and at one point in a conversation I said "Hey, this is me!" moving my hands in the air with confidence.

Saturday when I had that long cry, I knew something had to change. I could not live my life like that any longer. It was a choice of LIVING or not living. The book I got, "What you think of me is none of my business" helped show me how--and they were things that inside I already knew but never listened to that voice.

Today I experienced a miracle transformation. I have God to thank for it, I have myself to thank for it, and I have the people in NA to thank for it.

Am I getting all "religious"? Maybe, and I'm ok with that if I am. I have never experienced this kind of freedom before.

I love you all :D ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/646-nothing-short-miracle-transformation.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/639-wrong-someone-not-care-what.html Sun, 10 May 2009 07:18:32 GMT Is it wrong for someone to not care what people think of him or her? Is it wrong? My problem has seemed to be that I care too much--but what is the... Is it wrong for someone to not care what people think of him or her? Is it wrong? My problem has seemed to be that I care too much--but what is the opposite?

I just had the longest cry I've ever had, sitting in the bottom of the tub with water pouring over me until the water was no longer hot.

Today I had the worst panic episode I can ever remember having, and it was somewhere that I was supposed to be going to have a good time. It was an NA dance at the Alano club in Auburn The panic revolved around me caring about whether people like me or not. I am in a state of confusion right now.

Have I taken the wrong approach all this time? ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/639-wrong-someone-not-care-what.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/593-oh-man-today.html Sat, 25 Apr 2009 07:39:52 GMT I've learned that even if I have the propensity to be happy much of the time because of the Seroquel, I still wig out and go into a panicked mess when I'm brought up with a confusing situation.

I did not have all the dates of my work history, and Social Security called me to tell me that I needed to fill out a detailed work history form. They already HAD all my work history information based on info they got from the IRS. I didn't want to falsify anything, and the information they wanted was something they already had--but that's what the medical section/office wanted.

Here's what made me stressed--the person I had talked to a couple months ago, the person behind that plexiglass with sound holes in it who entered information into the computer that was on the forms I filled out had told me that I would be on my own after that appointment and that I couldn't get help from anyone from Social Security because I had only that one chance, which he wasted most of the time on because his English is really bad and on both sides things had to be asked and said multiple times. I thought I wouldn't be able to get help.

So, the person from the medical department of Social Security was telling me that I needed to get this form filled out, and I was wigging out. I thought I couldn't get any help filling it out, that I wouldn't be able to get that information they already had on file, and that I had less than a week to get this information back to them. I started to stutter, couldn't formulate words, my mouth would open and just random staccato sounds would come out, I was in full panic, tears streaming, and didn't know what to do. As what happens to me at all the jobs I've had, everything had become scrambled in my head. Totally and completely scrambled. I couldn't tell what was real and what was imagined. I couldn't process anything--it was a feedback loop like

10 print ""
20 goto 10
run

in my head. They kept saying "hello?" as I struggled to get out a single word. Finally I got out "I can't formulate what I'm saying. Please hold." and they waited. I had to call them back, and of course got their answering machine.

Then an hour later she finally called me back, and I found out that I COULD still get help and the person behind that plexiglass was full of shit. So I went to the Social Security office, got help filling out the form, and turned it in. I'm crossing my fingers.

Then a couple hours later my brother was saying "that makes me sick" about my sexuality, denying that he's homophobic no matter how much I tried to tell him that he can't make that kind of "sick" statement without being homophobic.

I've had a shitty day, and I'm sorry to anyone that I may have went off on. ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/593-oh-man-today.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/582-i-came-out-closet-mens.html Thu, 23 Apr 2009 04:22:50 GMT Well, it finally occurred to me why I've been going through so much of my childhood stuff. I almost went back in the closet.

So many of the meetings I've been going to have had hints of homophobia at them. I've heard the "faggot" word more than once, and at the meeting today there was an "and I don't mean I was lookin' at anyone THAT way, let's make no mistake about that" and most of the room laughed. So, I spoke up and said "Not everyone at these meetings are heterosexual, and sometimes there are things said at some of these meetings that make people like myself who are NOT heterosexual feel very alone and it sometimes makes me not want to come back."

I received more hugs after the meeting today than I have received at any of the meetings I've went to so far. I guess people just didn't realize some of the things they were saying, and I'm really glad I came out at the meeting.

I think a lot of people don't realize how hard it can be to remain out of the closet, and why it is that being out of the closet is so important, and how easy it is to go back into the closet over things. Maybe I'm too sensitive, I don't know, I probably am, it wouldn't be the first time--but I'm really glad I said what I needed to at this meeting.

Anyway, just wanted to share that. This time it's not too personal like my last blog was. 25 people read that too-personal-blog, and I'm sorry to have put y'all through that. It was a stream of consciousness type of blog, saying WAYYYYY too much about some really personal things.

Thanks. ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/582-i-came-out-closet-mens.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/578-childhood-creeping-back-again-personal.html Mon, 20 Apr 2009 19:02:20 GMT Too personal.... Too personal.... ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/578-childhood-creeping-back-again-personal.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/570-i-saw-paul-weller-concert.html Thu, 16 Apr 2009 10:06:56 GMT It was a really great concert :)

It was actually the first *major* concert I've seen since I've seriously been in bands (what I mean by "major" is a concert at a place other than clubs). Now, this wasn't "major" like a million-dollar production like a Pink Floyd or Rolling Stones concert, but it was big enough to be at a place like the Moore Theater in Seattle.

I had seen several concerts before I was seriously in bands. What made this so interesting to me are all the little things. The person at the mixing board was TOTALLY on top of his game. He knew their set like the back of his hand, instantly moving 5 or 6 sliders at exact moments in the songs. The lighting was timed perfectly--they had a sophisticated strobe effect in the back that I had just never seen timed so well, precise and exact.

I imagine that they probably had a sequence with a click track that everyone had an earpiece to hear, or at least the drummer must have had to get things timed so well, but it was really impressive.

The other thing that was really great to know is that someone doesn't have to totally move all around the stage at all times to still put on a show. I got so many tips from watching his performance. Much of this was a learning experience for me and it's kicking me into gear to start really focusing on my music again. I can't let my dream die.

Honestly, I hadn't heard of Paul Weller until my friend who took me to it introduced me to his music. I was really surprised I hadn't heard of him before that. When he first asked if I had heard his music, I thought of Peter Weller---definitely not the same person LOL But I'm really glad I saw this show. It was a great performance and the music was really good. I enjoyed it immensely.

It really showed me what a really good concert that isn't a million dollar production can look like and how it can be executed.

Anyway, blah blah blah.... ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/570-i-saw-paul-weller-concert.html http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/526-whats-wrong-looking-older.html Tue, 17 Mar 2009 03:19:24 GMT To be clear, I see nothing wrong with it. I thought it was actually quite funny a couple nights ago when I was hanging out at a karaoke place in... To be clear, I see nothing wrong with it.

I thought it was actually quite funny a couple nights ago when I was hanging out at a karaoke place in Tacoma. There was a hairdresser there who I started to get into a conversation with. He made his viewpoint quite known about how he felt about beards--when I told him I had a purple mohawk with a really long purple goatee, he said "Eww, you were trying for that ZZ-Top look or something?" and I said "What's wrong with that? And besides, since when did ZZ-Top have purple beards?". Then the conversation drifted into discussing people's ages. He thought I was 45 because of the white/gray in my beard. I just smiled the whole time. He said "You'd look like you're in your late 20's if you just shaved that thing off." and I basically told him flat-out that I LIKE the white in my beard and I LIKE appearing older. I LIKE having something to show that I've made it this far. I LIKE having some physical attribute on me that shows maturity (probably because my mindset is not exactly "mature" in many people's eyes). He responded by saying "You should enjoy your youthful appearance while you can. You have such pretty eyes, and mouth, and have young-looking skin--it just doesn't make any sense to have THAT (he touches my beard) there. Why do you want to look like Santa Claus?", and I said, "I looked like I was in high school when I was in my late 20's. I've had enough 'looking young' to last me the rest of my life. I'm tired of being treated like I'm naive young and stupid because of looking young. Yes, you're right, I could probably actually look like I'm in my 20's still if I shaved this off. I don't want to." The whole time I'm saying this I have a huge grin on my face--it wasn't said in malice, or anger, or disgruntlement, but more in a way that showed how amused I was with the whole thing. He suddenly had to go talk with someone else.

To me, age means wisdom, it means that one has more likely been places that many people who are younger haven't, age subconsciously makes people give more respect, even if it's just a little teeny tiny bit.

I think I made that guy uncomfortable with my comfortability. I sure know it confused the hell out of him. I think it made him overly-self aware of HIS age, which HE is uncomfortable with.

I don't understand the ideals that so many people have in believing that they need to look as much like teenagers or in their early 20's as possible. Why is that the only viewpoint that some people have as to what beauty is?

To me, the only thing to be upset about getting older is how the body starts to give out--joints, muscles, tendons, bones, vision, that sort of thing. But to get upset about LOOKING older? I've never understood it. Maybe there's something wrong with me for that, but I think it's the other way around--I think there's something wrong with society for being so scared of age. To me, there are definitive reasons why there are pedophiles out there, and one of those reasons is because of the importance that society places on looking young.

If I'm way-off-base, please tell me. This is simply my opinion in a blog, and if someone shows me that I'm wrong, I'm totally willing to take another look at things, but for myself I'll probably never view the appearance of getting older as a bad thing--(unless we're talking getting in one's 90's when the skin has lost so much elasticity that it becomes hard to recognize someone anymore). ]]> Fmeh http://www.sluniverse.com/php/vb/blogs/fmeh/526-whats-wrong-looking-older.html