I guess I do....

Beware--this is a stream of consciousness blog.

First off, let me state that I am doing better than I ever have. I'm not letting things get to me like I used to, and my mood swings aren't shit now. It has been a wonderful change.

The psychiatrist I had before my last one (god she was awful), I had made an inquiry about Aspergers and she asked me a very specific questions that I said "no" to and she automatically took me out of that category--no ifs ands or buts. This was the psychiatrist who would willfully put me on medications that were the ONLY ones of their type that had the side effects I specifically told her I couldn't handle. Plenty of other medications that were in the same category that DIDN'T have those side effects, and she turns around and gives me the ONLY ones that gave me those side effects. What a horrible psychiatrist she was.... Psychiatrists NEED TO LISTEN to their patients.

The last psychiatrist I had talked with who was a godsend who got me on Seroquel (which has been a miracle drug for me), and also the latest counselor I talked with today was asking me a lot of questions, and I never brought up Aspergers or autism, but they both had come to the conclusion after a long line of questioning that I at the very least have Aspergers and will be doing further tests to see whether I may be a functioning autistic. It's when they asked me about how I socialize and how I did growing up when socializing (pure memorization instead of just going with the flow) that really put the icing on the cake as to their conclusions.

This is quite a relief for me. As much as I'm doing so much better than I was before, I still struggle in many of the same areas and just have no clue as to how to get past some of those things. Being able to get into some groups (group therapy etc) with others who suffer from the same problems would be such a helpful thing for me.

I've been still trying to get on SSI for my mental issues because I've had a hard time keeping work because of my meltdowns (can't talk, tears streaming, can't hardly move) that happen when too many changes in my job occur after I've meticulously memorized the way to do things, or when there's too much information to have to process at a time that's usually something simple for other people, but because I meticulously memorize everything about every given scenario, it's really rough for me. One change in the equation and I basically have to rebuild the database in my head from scratch--while most people just simply adapt because their way of dealing with the scenario wasn't based on meticulous memorization.

My computer repair business hasn't been going so well, I mean, it was going well for a while, and the people whom I fixed their computers have never been happier with their machines, but I guess I've done things SO well (including giving them computer tutorials on how to keep their machines running nicely) that they've not had any problems and I've already worked on THEIR friends' computers, and I haven't charged enough for my services to really make an income. --And when I've worked on computers, I've lived and breathed computer repair to the point where nothing else exists, and when I DID have a lot of work, I was starting to get things in my head confused/scrambled so-to-speak. I've done great work, but I did still have a couple meltdowns that luckily nobody had to see but me. Anyway, I've not had any new computer work since that huge burst of customers. Still working on it, but wow....

Anyway.....

I'm sending off music demos to radio stations this week and then small record labels next week. I can't believe how many new song ideas I've been having on the guitar--I'm so used to doing sequenced music but it seems my folk-like music has been getting a better response than ANYTHING I've done in my past, so I'm going to continue to go with it.

So basically, things are going really well, and again, I'm relieved that I actually DO have aspergers and possibly may be autistic. Maybe that may seem strange to people that it would be a relief, but if you've went through what I've went through mentally in just regular everyday scenarios, you'd understand.

Anyway, if you've read this, thanks for reading this.