| I'd like to ask a serious question about poly relationships, as I have no experience either directly or observing - there has been some mention here of the"primary" relationship in a poly arrangement. It makes me curious.
It seems to me that the ultimate or perhaps "model" poly relationship would be a congress of equals. There would be no hierarchy. But the few things I have ever read or seen regarding such arrangements always seem to include some sort of hierarchical arrangement - a "primary" couple, or a "first wife" or "first husband". The label "primary" has been used here. If that is so (I don't know if it is), then it makes me question the arrangement, in this way:
1. While humans are social animals, both in general and in their intimate relationships, the structure of hierarchy always seems to come into play. There is almost always a "first" someone
2. If that is so, then what are the commitments to those further down on the "ladder"? If I have three wives, a first, second and third, then is my commitment any less to wife two or wife three than it is to wife one?
3. If the answer to point two is something like "Yes - the commitment to wife one is greater than that to wife two or three", then isn't such an arrangement merely a shadow form of monogamy? IOW - have I not chosen one over all others?
If the answer to point three is something like "Yes, there is one who is more secure in my relationship than the others", then how does one manage the need for security and commitment of those lower down the pecking order? If I was husband or wife three, I can imagine that my security/commitment/love/support could be felt as secondary, and despite any belief that I was "mature" enough to handle such an arrangement, I can certainly think that I would consider my position less tenable than that of husband/wife one.
I say this because monogamy is a signal to the partner, "You I place above all others". That arrangement is enforced by not entering into other relationships that match or nearly equal that prime relationship. But when you do enter into other relationships that match or nearly equal the prime, you are still saying one is above the others, and that can't create the same feeling of commitment for those "secondary" people.
I may not have explained my question well, as it is confusing to me. But I really would be interested in any attempts to answer. |